There is a squirrel on my porch right now.  About five minutes ago, as I was gazing sleepily out the screen door, said squirrel LEAPED onto the door from seemingly NOWHERE , attaching itself to the metal grating about at the level of MY FACE.  And STAYED THERE.  Just hanging onto the door.

Some background: M brought a whole bunch of food home over the course of a week a couple of weeks ago and left it on the porch for, mmmm, a few days.  By the time he’d/I’d noticed, squirrels had gnawed their way into two jumbo peanut butter containers and CLEANED OUT the contents (which were full before) despite the fact that the hole they’d gnawed wasn’t nearly squirrel sized.  They also drank a bottle of hand sanitizer, which one would think would kill them or at least warn them away from the porch for a while but seriously WHAT KIND OF AN ANIMAL DRINKS HAND SANITIZER ANYWAY.   Sorry; disbelief + horror = run-on blogging.  WITH CAPS.

So now I’ve got squirrels trying to jump onto my FACE while I’m staring placidly out at my front yard.  I’m pretty sure I heard it trying to gnaw its way inside through the screen on one of the windows earlier.  When I tried to shoo it away, it came closer.  NOT OKAY.

So somebody needs to explain exactly how to make this squirrelmageddon end.


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