Troubling Behavior

06Oct08

The title of this post is inspired by this student that I’m having a lot of trouble with, and though I could sit here and bitch and stew and pretend that that works, I think I’ll not.  I do, however, want to observe that sometimes it’s incredibly obvious that our society and all its systems–including public education–are so ill-serving of so many folks.  Hierarchy and capitalist-imposed “efficiency” models just don’t work for many people–you know, the ones who end up in “homes” or on streets or otherwise neglected and misused by our system (which, obviously, is a very poor substitute for actual community).  And it really, really sucks to be an agent of a system that is setting up some kids for that exact end.  I’m often wondering whether this whole public school teaching gig is really in line with my values, or if I’m hopelessly compromising any glimmer of integrity I might have by continually engaging in something so fundamentally NOT what I want to see in the future.  I tell myself that this is NOT what I’m here for and so that makes it okay, but sometimes I wonder.  A lot.

The other troubling behavior I wanted to address in this post is my own.  I’ve had an incredibly difficult time feeling competent and motivated and cheerful and everything else a teacher should feel lately, largely due to some professional issues that shall not be disclosed here, though I will say it’s another case of hierarchy not working terribly well, this time in regards to making useful decisions and honoring human beings for their expertise and work.  What I notice about myself, however, is that when I feel frustrated, I have a hard time turning off my fuming rage for long enough to actually get things done, which in turn makes me fumingly rage some more, this time at myself for not getting things done.

I’m not sure exactly what I want to say about my own behavior; it’s understandable, but is that my point?  No.  My initial point, before I started railing about the evils of hierarchy, was simply that I’m pretty excited about being in a better mood, which now seems sort of stupid to write about, honestly.  Now I’m feeling all “Fuck the Police” or something and feel sort of sheepish about how I successfully turned around my crappy mindset and am feeling both productive AND cheerful.  Huh.

So.

There ya go.

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