Spirit Week Meltdown

25Sep08

So, Spirit Week is winding down…or it’s not, actually, but I am.  I’m trying to get through the rest of it and finding myself at this weird place where it’s sort of finally sinking in that second year teaching is harder than first year teaching.  Here’s what it’s like:

I played volleyball with some other staff last night against the kids–who are big, like lumberjacks, and at least marginally athletically inclined, like I’m not.  Anyway, it was fun, fun, fun, and though I (rather stupidly, I suppose) generally get pretty freaked out about team sports because I suck at them (sports, not teams), it didn’t bother me AT ALL that I was a hot mess out there.  I was all jumping around and wooting and in-your-face,-suckas-ing and generally having a super good time because of the sort of adrenaliney first-timey-ness of it all.  However, when I woke up this morning sans volleyball-induced endorphins, I was really, really fucking sore.  And the soreness has increased throughout the day, so that right now about 25% of my conscious mind is fixated on how much my ass hurts and another 12% is wondering whether standing while typing might be a bit less painful for my knees.  Now, if I were to go out and play again tomorrow, it would hurt, and be less fun, but I might actually play a milli-bit better because I’ve had a teeny spot of practice.

See where I’m going with this?

The stark reality of teaching sans first-time-teaching-induced endorphins is smacking me upside the happyshiny this year.  I don’t even remember last year because I was so friggin’ high on the newness of it all.  Hopefully I actually taught a bit, because I don’t honestly remember doing so, nor can I exactly figure out how I found time to teach plus grade plus not TOTALLY abandon my home life.  This year, I feel, as an educator, vaguely entertaining and like I’m actively revising things but, um, that’s about it.  Am I actually teaching better, here?  Is there actual learning occurring?  I honestly don’t feel as though I can tell.  And everything is taking more energy, including trying to get “up” for things like Spirit Week, which the entire rest of the staff minus 3 or so has given up on.

Crapper, you know, I swore I wasn’t going to write again until I was feeling yippy positive.  But if I’m being honest, I’ve got to admit that I’m feeling a bit like I’m just slugging through here this year.  Got to find a way to get the pyassion back, or at least to find a substitute for first-year warm fuzzies.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

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